My beautiful Kristina

I don't know many people who have had lives that are as tragic as my sister Kristina. Her story is amazing, but sad because she lost her family. Seven years ago Kristina came to the US thinking that she would return to her mother and siblings, but she ended up staying. She had surgery, that I believe was disappointing in that it didn't make her all better. Then she lived with some awful people and eventually came to live with us.

Kristina just planned a trip back to Ghana to see her family. She is leaving in about a month.

Today we got the news that her mother died. She hasn't seen her in seven years, and now she will not see her again.

All I can do is hold her and cry with her.

Mary

It has been three month and still no sign of anything. I have to admit that I feel a little, well, crazy. It's not that I don't believe, but my belief - it was once such strong confidence that I thought nothing could shake it - is mixed with overwhelming doubt.

There are some things that I do not doubt. I don't doubt that God is good. That he cares for me. That he cares for his people. That the messiah is coming. But, this seems so insane. There is no evidence that I saw an angel or heard the word of the Lord. There is no evidence that a child is within my womb.

Sometimes I am sure of this thing, more sure than I am of air and light. I become so consumed with certainty that I do not understand this other person who seems to rear her head - the doubter. Today I cannot find the certainty. Today I am plagued with doubt.

I doubt whether or not I have heard correctly. I doubt whether or not I am crazy. I feel very presumptious. Why would God choose me? Why do I think myself so special?

There are these cycles of thought that swirl around my head like vultures getting ready to attack. They accuse me. They bombard me with doubt.

For three months I have waited for evidence. My body is the same. Still I believe, though I doubt, still I believe.

Not so Patient... in the Waiting Place

There is this place in life where God sometimes brings us - The Waiting Place. Living in this place is like knowing that Christmas is coming, but you aren't sure when it is, and it may not come for a very long time. The Waiting Place is like sitting for a long day; you want to get up and run around, but you know you can't... yet.

I've thought I was in the Waiting Place in previous years, but I realize that I was just in that place where you are getting trained. Trained to wait. Trained to be still. Trained to be in quiet.

This is the place where you have no options but to "Be Still and know I AM is God." It is the place where the shadows of hopes and dreams have been driven out and even a moment of creativity comes as a fresh breeze. I want to start moving in a direction, but I can't. I want to get ready for the next thing, but I don't know what it is. I don't feel fear or foolishness or pride. I feel like God says to me, "Be Still." I ask, "How long?" I get no answer, just his smile and a sparkle in his eye. I remember him once saying, "You can't figure this out, Jess. I can sneak up behind you and surprise you." I await a surprise. I await an adventure. I await something amazing. I await my Jesus, and I know that I will not be disappointed.

The Beauty of Jesus

I went on a retreat this past weekend that was absolutely amazing. God had to do a lot to prepare my heart though. See, I've been living from my woundedness for several years. I could blame those that wounded me, but the truth is that I am responsible for the way I have reacted in my wounds. And I have covered myself in shame and allowed a spirit of accusation and judegement to rise up between me and others.

Then two remarkable things happened. The first was the beautiful heart of a friend that drew me out of hiding and the second was the safety and encouragement of the community of believers who led the retreat. The first had to be first or else I would not have risked with my heart for the second. And even when the beautiful heart of my friend withdrew from me, I felt confident and radiant because it is my Jesus that holds my heart.

Jesus has been teaching me about hope, expectation, and expectancy. Hope is not setting up specifics and assuming certain things will happen - that is expectation. Expectancy is waiting with anticipation for something remarkable to happen and knowing that it will be good and beautiful, though possibly different than you think. Hope is really all about trusting God and knowing that he is bigger than your inadequcies or mistakes.

So many of the women on the retreat live in shame (and many people everywhere). Like the woman at the well, we go out in isolation to draw water that will not satisfy, hoping that noone will ever bring out our shame. Then this one day Jesus meets us at the well of romance. He goes through the unexpected Samarias of our life and sits beside us. He asks us for a drink, but knows that there are things in our lives that prevent us from knowing Him and from knowing His love. So, he confronts those things head on; he brings up our shame so that there is no more shame. He uncovers it so that it can not control us. Then He sets us free. Our response is to go to the villages of our life and invite the people to come and meet this one "who told me everything I've ever done."

No more shame.
No more shame.

I do not need to be ashamed of who I am. Shame has prevented me from receiving the love of my Lover. Shame keeps us from our lovers. Unfortunately the process of having shame lifted is painful, especially when we cling tightly to our shame and allow it to grow into our skin. The process becomes a sort of surgery of the heart.

Over the last few weeks Jesus has shown me that the nature of love is like this: Love frees the loved one to walk away and to never come back; Love hates those things that prevent the loved ones heart from receiving love and will bang on the painful doors of shame in order to break down those walls; Love transforms us; love trusts that He who is Love really is in control and we do not need to be. Love makes us beautiful. Love makes us risk. Love hopes, Love fights, Love pursues, Love devastates.

Oh, to know Love more - to become like Him.... And so, I am devastated by my lover with no other options.

God has done a huge thing in my heart. I am amazed. And I believe He has been preparing me for something new and next, though I'm not sure what it is.

Here's to the adventure. May every day be spent with my marvelous Lover!

Realizations and a Change in mood

So, I realized a few things about myself over the last few days:
1. I do not do well without structure... it leads me to down-ness and potential depression. For the last three or so weeks I have not had to work. In fact, all summer has been inconsistent. The result is that I spend far too much time in my head, my thoughts begin racing and making me doubt my sanity. I need a balance of business and contemplation. Too much of either is bad.
2. I think I have come to a place where I need coffee daily. I've been finding that the racing thoughts are fairly debilitating, but once I have some coffee, they become manageable, I am able to focus and I feel better. I don't want to be addicted to caffeine, but of all the things to be addicted to, coffee is not so bad. Oh well, there are worse things than depending on coffee to function.
3. I've been spending far too much time thinking and talking about myself lately. I need to get back to focusing on the lover of my soul. I heard an amazing thing today - here is an approximation of it: "As we get to know Jesus, we come to know who we really are.... Dying to self means putting to death our understanding of ourselves and the expectations of who others think we are, and putting on our true self. As we allow Jesus to define us we become who we really are, he names us and our destiny is revealed."
4. I want to begin a sort of blog-bible study. I think once a week is reasonable. So, I guess we can start looking at the book of Matthew, which addresses the questions, "Who do you say Jesus is?" Let's get to know him better. Then we can be changed and made more like him. We can come to understand who we are as we know him more. Let's make first things first.

Shame

I've been thinking about shame... the way we wrap ourselves in it and hide. Shame becomes our garment. Like a bad friendship, we turn to shame instead of turning to love. We hide. We live in the darkness of Shame. Shame and Fear are bedfellows and so where Shame is, Fear is close beside.

I've been thinking about the scripture that says that perfect love drives out all fear. As we invite love into the broken and rotten places in our hearts, it's like when an exterminator comes into a house to drive out vermin. They all begin to come out into the light. We see how infested our house was. As love comes into my life, shame and fear are coming to the surface, but as they come into the light Love takes them out.

For those of you who don't know, I've recently (as of Friday) started dating. He is a tall, lean, attractive man with an amazing heart. He's smart and funny and makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. I really like him!

I realized, as we began this relationship, that I am far more wounded than I thought, that I had given up hope in so many ways. Now his presence in my life is bringing fear and shame to the surface. I am having to face that fear and shame, call it by name, and allow Love to drive it from my heart. It's a good thing. Very good.

Risk. Sometimes risk leads to deep pain. Sometimes love leads to deep pain. Sometimes deep pain leads to healing and wholeness and beauty beyond words.

Pictures from Hosea

Answering questions afterward.

Gomer and Hosea on the parkbench

A picnic.

"Yes I love you!"

"What do I do when he finds out?"

Clean rooms, clean hearts, and the fear of loving

I've been cleaning and rearranging my room for the last two weeks. It's hard to finish something when you have so little time to dedicate to it, and when a job is as big as the job that I'm doing, then it takes time.

Time...

Cleaning our hearts takes time and assistance. We can't do it alone - too many hard to reach places and dark corners, not to mention the occasional ball of filth that seems to attack us when we try to sweep it up.

So often I see God as someone who gets annoyed at my "failures" and sins. I wonder if I saw him like my closest friend, how that would change my perspective. For example: I prefer if someone comes to me when they are angry. I hate the silent treatment, but so often that is what we do to God. We are ashamed or something and we stop talking to him. Instead God says, "I long for you. Talk to me. Tell me about your anger, pain, sorrow, whatever." The problem is that we blame him for these things because he is God after all and could prevent badness from happening, but he doesn't. Instead he walks the road of suffering with us and asks, "Do you trust me?"

Trust...

How can he expect me to trust when I have been so deeply wounded? How can he ask for faith when pain rushes in like a flood, drowning the faint memory of joy?

I was talking to a friend today about her own sorrows and it got me thinking. I try to be honest with God about my anger as well as my joy. In a given day I may rant and then trust. Some days are better than others. Yesterday morning was hard, but then it got better. Anyway, I digress.

Why are we terrified of love? Why do we push away the very things we long for? Why are people afraid of each other?

Wounds. Pain. Fear.

I've been thinking a lot about my own fears regarding love, friendship, and faith. This book I am reading talks about how women are afraid that they are too much and not enough. We are afraid that we are irrelevant. That we will open our hearts and others will trample through them.

The greatest return demands the greatest risk. That's true in investing with money, I bet it's true with investing in our hearts.

Investing...

I've noticed that in the midst of the small groups movement, there doesn't seem to be an emphasis on "charity" which is love in action. Why don't small groups focus around serving others. The way love works is that as you invest it into others, you have greater return. If you hold on to it doesn't increase, sometimes it decreases.

Risk...

God is teaching me about risk and has been for several years now. A heart with no pretense. A heart that is free to love. A heart that doesn't judge. A heart that is filled with his beauty. That is what I would love to have. May I take the risks needed to reach those goals.

A Story: The Talking Fish of Morna Sea

My entire life has been lived on the shores of the great Morna Sea. It is a beautiful and magical place full of the most amazing talking fish. These creatures have great powers and gifts to bestow on humans, but catching them is difficult and in your entire life you may only catch one.

To catch one of the talking fish you must go out into the Morna Sea and convince a fish to get into your boat. Some people try using nets or fishing rods to snare them and then get them into the boat, but this is not wise. If the fish does not freely choose to come into your boat, it’s powers and gifts may never be realized. The best way to get a fish is to speak to it until you know whether or not this fish has gifts that are beneficial to you. Then you invite the fish into your boat and offer it your gifts, and you make it free by carrying it onto the land.

Legend says that the talking fish once wandered the earth, but they were trapped in the Morna Sea by an evil curse. The only way for them to be free again is to be carried from the sea. Once they are set free they can either stay with the person who carried them, or they can wander the earth. Once the fish are out of the water they may choose not to share their powerful magic.

It is because the fish are so special, magical, and unique that my father always told me to be careful which fish I catch. I should only catch a fish if I am sure I will care for it, and a good fish will share it’s gifts even after it is set free.

My father always told me that I would be good at catching fish. I believed him, and when I was old enough, I went to the Sea to catch a talking fish.

Everyday for many years I went out on the Sea with my boat and a line and a net to see if I could catch a fish. Some days I forgot to look and instead floated on the gentle waves in my little boat. Some days I would spy a fish and would be so moved by it’s beauty and grace that I would chase after it. Sometimes I frightened fish away. Sometimes I was wounded by their powers. Other times I was left lonely and frustrated, wondering if the fish can talk at all.

This day, today, I went to my boat intending not to catch anything. I planned, instead, to simply drift over the waves and let the majesty of the sea change me.

As I left the house I thought I heard my father shout to me. At the time I thought it was clear, that he said, “Do not catch a fish today.” I thought he shouted and I went to the boat with no lure, no net, no pretense.

The day was lovely, warm with a cool breeze that made the sun feel marvelous against my face. I wasn’t thinking about fish, but instead I thought about flowers and springtime. Springtime. A time of new life and growth. I floated on the waves of springtime and smiled.

Splash! I looked to see what had made such a loud sound. Splash! Splash! I looked over the edge of the boat and saw a fish. It’s scales were blue and green, changing in different light and shining magnificently. I was not impressed at first, but the fish opened it’s mouth and began to speak.

It spoke of the land below the surface, of the depths of the sea. It told me stories swimming and adventures under the waves. I listened to the fish and found myself wanting it. I did not want to keep it if it did not want to be kept, but I wanted to set it free. I wanted to be the one take this fish to the land.

My father’s words rang through my head. “Did my father actual say that?” I wondered. I decided to talk to the fish, but I would not invite it into my boat. I would not set it free, nor could I set it free. I was resigned, strong, and resolute.

I watched the fish as it moved. This creature was more magnificent that I had seen. It’s beauty amazed me. I fought my desire, guiding my boat away from the fish.

It swam this way and that. I looked away. Then the current changed.

My boat began flowing in the direction of the fish. I gave myself over to the current, to the desire and decided to follow where it led. I thought about paddling in the other direction, but I could not tell why.

Was I wanting to flee because I believed my father had told me not to catch a fish today, or was I fleeing because I was afraid? I was not even sure I had heard my father correctly.

The last time I had gone on out to the Morna with the hopes of catching a fish, my father had told me to take great risks. I had done that, and been deeply wounded. I had a fish in my eye that was desirable and seemed to have the magical gifts that would change my life, but the fish flipped my boat. I almost drowned that day, and my arm was gashed on terrible rocks. It took a long to heal and I was not quick to get in my boat again.

Was I afraid to risk? Was I afraid of pain? Was I afraid of being disobedient? Was I afraid that my desire would harm this amazing creature?

I was torn. My heart ached. I didn’t know what to do. So I ….

How would you end the story? Does the character go for the fish? Is it fear trying to lead the character away? Is it disobedient to follow the current?

Terribly Beautiful - Love

Love

a beautiful and terrible tapestry

woven threads of pain and glory

goodness, joy

sorrow and sacrifice

Love

changes us

destroys us

makes us broken

makes us whole

Love

gently tears through our hearts

cleaning the filth

striping us naked

leaving us vulnerable, safe

trust

faith

Can I believe when I don't see?

How do I embrace such a consuming fire?

It ravages our souls

It burns us into Beauty

Oh Love,

Will you break us and make us whole?

Will you, in kindness, push through our defenses?

Will you make us like you?

Made in the image of Love?

The Beach and My Birthday

Today I am 26 years old!! Closer to 30 than I am to 20. As I look ahead to this coming year I am excited that it will be the best year so far. God is birthing something amazing in me and I look forward to seeing how things turn out.

Yesterday after I taught for an hour, Kristin and I went to the beach. We spent the afternoon lying in the sun. There were a number of funny events. A bird flew down and stole a bite from Kristin's hand. She then proceeded to rip off part of the sandwich (around where the bird had eaten), ate the rest of her sandwich staring the bird down and then took the torn off bit and stuck it in the cooler. She was not going to let the bird have any satisfaction.

I guess I will try to write more about the beach tomorrow, as I am tired and falling asleep sitting here.

We ended up coming home early because of rain... we didn't sleep well last night. But, praise God for camping cots from "Hosea." Pretty amazing stuff.

Here is my prayer for my 26th year (you can pray this for me too): I pray that God would surround me with people who are interested in sharing and pursuing the vision for uprooted productions, that he would provide the structure and funds for the organization, that Hosea would get polished enough to really begin promoting it, that my heart would continue to change, that I would risk more with my heart, and that God would either bring a man into my life and/or make me more content in Christ.

Here's to being 26 and the adventure that awaits me this year. Thanks for joining me in my adventure!

On Love: Freedom and Faith

This morning I went for a walk in the state park by my house. I began on the trail that follows the railroad tracks and is flat and easy for running. It connects with another trail that splits off and runs along the river. I took the split and walked with The Giant beside me.

It amazes me that the Giant can walk through the woods without breaking trees. His foot-falls are gentle and he deftly manuvers among the branches and plants. We came to a muddy place and I went to the edge of the water. I walked out onto a small bank of shells and rocks, crossing bits of water and slipping on mud to get out there.

I looked down at the water and noticed that there were tons of snails. Tiny snails with long spiraling shells, freely cleaning the rocks. There were so many snails that I couldn't begin to count them. I thought to myself about taking some home to put in a fish tank.

Why do we see beautiful things and want to capture them?

There was this water skimmer that was dancing in circles. It moved fast, turning here, twirling there. It was a picture of freedom. I decided that I want to be like the water skimmer - free to dance on the waves.

I began to think about freedom and pursuit of love. It's funny that we often use hunting as our analogy for love. You get the thing that you want in your sight and then you capture it. We try to capture love. We try to find someone or something and put it in a cage so that it can't leave us, it can't hurt us. We are afraid because love is not tame.

Love does not capture, but it sets free.

I imagine a hunter off in the woods after a beautiful deer. He sees the deer and begins to chase it with reckless abandon. He runs through the woods, trees slapping his face and arms, following where it goes. He comes to a place and the deer stops. He looks around. He has come to the home of the deer, the heart of the deer. He is in awe of the beauty of this place.

The deer walks to him, freely, choosing to come close. He does not want to capture the deer he wants to watch it move in freedom and grace. This is it's home. He stays there for a time and the deer stays by his side. As he leaves, the deer follows. They are both free.

Love sets the loved one free. And real love sets the one who loves free too. So much human interaction is about control and capture. We fear the wildness of love. We put love in a box so that it will not leave, but love cannot be put in a box. God is Love. God cannot be contained.

It is hard to trust that we will be loved in return...

What if we free those we love. Risk. In running after one that we love, we may be led into dangerous even harmful places, but as we let the other run free, we stay free.

Will we trust that Love himself is trustworthy? Will we have faith that in freeing the other to choose not us, we also free them to truly love us? Will we believe that even the pain and the suffering of unrequited love can develop our character and make us better at loving? Will we learn to love those who leave us and hurt us? Will we move beyond our cynicsm and try and become more like Love, who freed the object of his affection and suffered in love?

Will Gomer be faithful? Will Gomer be free?

The Walls of Our Hearts

I've been thinking a lot about the question that Dan asked after the performance of Hosea.... How do we allow our hearts to trust, to love, to move beyond woundings, when they have been very badly hurt. How do we live in obedience, when our hearts are so broken?

Can God fix our hearts? Can he heal?

My answer to these last questions is a resounding, "Yes." Let me tell you a little about my own heart:
First of all, it is important to understand that there is an enemy of our souls - that our enemy tries to destroy us in the very places that God has created us to be strong. He often starts when we are young. God created me as an outgoing person who loves other people. In fact, I need other people to have energy, to process my thoughts, to inspire creativity.

If our enemy can take us out where we are created to be strong then he has won a great victory over our hearts. If you look at the greatest areas of wounding in your heart you will most likely see the places that you are meant to have the greatest strength. I can let my enemy take what he is trying to destroy, or seeing his tactic, I can affirm what is true and take away some of the enemy's power.

Just before 3rd grade we moved to Maryland from New Jersey. It was fine - I made friends, but I missed my old friends. When I started middle school I was best friends with Paige. We had gone to the same elementary school and had been friends since 3rd grade. We rode the bus together, sat next to each other in every class, and talked about everything.

Christmas break that year ended on a Wednedsay. We went to school Thursday and Friday. Then Monday came and Paige was mad at me on the bus. I didn't know why.

In our fourth period class we were doing projects. Paige sat next to me and started telling me that she hated me. My best friend spent the rest of the day whispering how much she hated me into my ear. I cried through the rest of school, but tried to hide it from everyone. When I got off the bus I threw my flute across the yard, plopped down in the grass and bawled. It was awful and the worst thing was that I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong.

I got over Paige and found three new friends. After several months of friendship they decided to start sending me hate letters. Every day I received letters from them. Eventually they even sent me a tape (audio, we didn't have CDs back then), that had a song that told me how much they hated me and that I should kill myself. This went on for a few weeks. My dad told me not to read the letter (I had read at least a week's worth) and then gave them to the school's administration. The girls got in trouble.

When so many people decide to hate you in a small amount of time it's easy to believe that the problem is some unalterable character flaw.

In high school, my senior year, I had my two best friends (both Christians) start treating me like dirt, blowing me off, and being really mean. It affected me so much that my lacrosse coach was concerned about my health (she didn't know what was going on) and suggested I go to the doctor.

College was better, but I ended up living with a girl who would randomly stop talking to me for weeks at a time, and treated me badly a lot.

There are more instances of friendship heartbreak. Then there are the romantic heart breaks, like the fact that I would fall in love with people and they would get married to someone else within two years (that happened about 8 times). Or not getting my first kiss until I was 23 (I'm smiling as I write this... I don't feel bad for myself at all).

Why do I write my sad story? Because it isn't sad to me anymore. A few years ago I lived alone and spent the better part of 5 days interacting with no one. I could go a few weeks without even getting a hug. I struggled with depression.

My heart was deeply wounded and I was afraid to trust people. But, God has been working on my heart. He is teaching me to trust my heart into his care.

Imagine that your heart is a garden. It is tended by the Gardener. Some gardens have walls to keep people out, but the Gardener says to me, "take down the walls of your garden so that there is no pretense, no hiding."
My response is, "But people will come in and trample the plants and dig up trees and destroy my garden."

The Gardener smiles at me and says, "I tend your garden. I will fix the torn up places, I will restore the broken stems. I am good and you can trust that I know how to tend this garden so that it will be lush and beautiful and the fragrance will change the world."

Now I have to decide whether or not I will trust the Gardener. Then I have to walk in trust even when I am afraid. I have to go out and meet people even though I keep in the back of my mind the thought that they will leave me or hurt me. I walk in faith - believing even though there is no evidence.

As I walk in obedience I find that the Gardener is trustworthy. I stop fearing so much. My garden becomes more and more beautiful and the fragrance pours out. Maybe that fragrance will change the world.

The Adventure Begins

I thought that it might be nice to have a blog for all the Music and Arts Camp people. The week after Camp is sometimes hard - we've left the mountains and are having to walk through "normal" life again.

Camp brings out the best in us... we get rid of any pretense and all the masks we wear are worn away by a combination of exhaustion and feeling safe. So, we want to take the freedom of camp with us wherever we go.

Let's encourage each other along the journey. We can comment and share and ask questions about music, theater, God, the Bible, or anything else. Life is too hard to feel like we walk alone, so let's walk together.

Here's to the journey!!