Finding Freedom

A friend had the following lyrics playing in his head... it made me think:

I left home when I was seventeen
I just grew tired of falling down
And I'm sure I was told
The allure of the road
Would be all I found

And all the answers that I started with
Turned out questions in the end
So years roll on by
And just like the sky
The road never ends

(Chorus:)
And the people who love me still ask me
When are you coming back to town
And I answer quite frankly
When they stop building roads
And all God needs is gravity to hold me down

(Chorus:)
And the people who love me still ask me
When are you coming back to town
And I answer quite frankly
When they stop building roads
And there ain't no more highways to be found
And I answer quite frankly
When they stop building roads
And all God needs is gravity to hold me down

What if gravity was the only thing that held us down? What if...

In this station in life (with the transitions and the stress and the newness), I feel that God is trying to teach me three major things:
1. To live in community and rely on others (a future blog maybe)
2. To walk in freedom - to be myself both the strengths and the weaknesses
3. To take responsibility for my mess

This week at youth group we will be talking about integrity (our character unit). Integrity is defined as:
1 the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness
2 the state of being whole and undivided
3 the condition of being unified, unimpaired, or sound in construction

We often focus on the first definition, but neglect the second and third. Integrity/honesty/truth has to do with being whole and undivided, being unified and unimpaired (free?).

We live in a society of lies and though we know that we shouldn't tell lies to other people, we consistently construct worlds of lies in which we live. We choose darkness, self-abasement, and division instead of choosing freedom.

Last night we met with a group that had gone to the Leadership Summit. We've been talking about balance and, last month, shared ways that we needed to pursue balance. One woman talked about how much she works. From our last conversation, she felt freed to leave work at home. She is happier, smiling. and full of joy because she is free. She can be defined by who she is and not what she does. On the flip side, my boss (a pastor) has felt bound by traditional definitions of Sabbath. He has decided to free himself to "grab sabbath" whenever he can instead of being bound in a day of the week. He is more freed.

Jesus said that his burden is easy and his yolk is light. Jesus is interested in giving us freedom.... in fact freewill is so important to God that he built it into us. Freewill isn't a bad thing... it is a very good thing. I can be free.

Increasingly I want to become a person who walks in the confidence and honesty of who God has made me - aware of my gifts, my strengths, my weaknesses, etc. As I am confident that God made me the way he meant to make me, I can be less of an issue and I can walk forward - boldly. I can walk away from all the things that hold me down.

Maybe God sent me to the middle of the country, away from my family and all the things that defined me for so long, so that he could define me and I could stretch out in freedom. The heartland is the land of freedom and space.

I want to own the truth of who I am in God, in community/family, and in myself. I want to ride on the coattails of the Giant, but I can't get off the ground if I let so many things hold me down.

Being Destroyed

Ministry is destroying me in all the best ways.

Today I sat and talked to a lady who is in her 60s and has had major tragedies in her life. She is one of the individuals who does the technology stuff for the Saturday evening service. We just switched programs and she has dedicated herself to learning the program thoroughly.

Anyway, she asked me to come look at what she was doing, so I came down and we started talking. She told me about her husband's death, and the ways it has made her struggle with her faith. She shared about her son who has walked away from God, about the way her sister got her written out of her parents' will, her experience working with youth in the schools.

I was amazed by her story. What if those of us in the church knew each other's stories? How much richer this world would be!

I may have found the job that I was made for.

Romance, the Gospel, and the state of the world

I've been talking a lot to my beautiful friend who has a passion to reach out to muslims with the gospel. We've been talking about calling, love, and romance (because mutual attraction has developed and we had to decide whether or not we should try dating). This is some of my reflection on the reality of romance, the gospel, and the state of the world.

Romance is one of the deepest realities of the universe, and possibly one that angels do not understand. God is Love. God is a lover. God is the Lover. Our human romances are just tiny glimpses into the romancing love of God.

Lovers spend gobs of time just being together. The desire to be together trumps common sense, practicallity, sleep needs, food needs, bladder-emptying needs. People in love go to crazy lengths for even a moment together.

Lovers seek to please the other. They want to make the other feel comforted and comfortable. They give gifts that bless the other. They cook the other's favorite food.

One of the problems with many groups (I'm thinking particularly of any peoples that make women subserviant and less than human), is that there is no opportunity for romance, love is distorted and one of the deepest realities about the character and nature of God is stripped away leaving something base and foul. Societies that rape, murder, torture, and subjegate their women are societies full of the stench of death and the darkness of Satan.

The Lover makes the most beautiful bride. He goes to great lengths to win her. Then he makes her more beautiful. He invites, He is mysterious, He is a great pursuer, He is tender, He is at times harsh, He has a dialogue with humanity.

Yesterday I was trying to figure out what the deepest desire of my heart is. I wondered about serving God, pleasing God, knowing God. But, it was something even deeper than those. The deepest desire is to be loved by God.

We do not need to be in human romance to know Romance. I can be so romanced by Christ that I know no one else can measure up. Human romance helps paint the picture for us. God sometimes invites us to know romance on the human plain.

Even in our culture romance has been made into something self-gratifying and selfish. There is a focus on sex and emotions when romance is something so much deeper than those things (though it does include sex and emotions).

The Bible is this amazing story of God's pursuit of humanity - picture of the great Romance. It is a wholistic picture. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. I have the affection of the Great Lover, the Great Romancer.

It is my prayer that I know His love more and more and that as I pursue earthly romance, I would come to know Christ's love and share Christ's love even more.

May you know the Great Pursuer and be romanced today!

Isaiah

Current life events have me thinking (of course I seem to think even when life isn't doing anything particularly interesting).

I was just reading Isaiah 5 which says:

The Song of the Vineyard

1 I will sing for the one I love
a song about his vineyard:
My loved one had a vineyard
on a fertile hillside.

2 He dug it up and cleared it of stones
and planted it with the choicest vines.
He built a watchtower in it
and cut out a winepress as well.
Then he looked for a crop of good grapes,
but it yielded only bad fruit.

3 "Now you dwellers in Jerusalem and men of Judah,
judge between me and my vineyard.

4 What more could have been done for my vineyard
than I have done for it?
When I looked for good grapes,
why did it yield only bad?

5 Now I will tell you
what I am going to do to my vineyard:
I will take away its hedge,
and it will be destroyed;
I will break down its wall,
and it will be trampled.

6 I will make it a wasteland,
neither pruned nor cultivated,
and briers and thorns will grow there.
I will command the clouds
not to rain on it."

Then in Isaiah 14 it says:
3 On the day the LORD gives you relief from suffering and turmoil and cruel bondage, 4 you will take up this taunt against the king of Babylon:
How the oppressor has come to an end!
How his fury ^[a] has ended!

5 The LORD has broken the rod of the wicked,
the scepter of the rulers,

6 which in anger struck down peoples
with unceasing blows,
and in fury subdued nations
with relentless aggression.

7 All the lands are at rest and at peace;
they break into singing.

Here's what struck me. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He does not change. He is Love. The way that Love behaves is to tear down those things that hinder us from bearing fruit, from being good and beautiful. He destroys so that he can replant - so that the vineyard will make much good wine. He does this with individuals, nations, tribes, and the history of the world. You "break" a horse when you train it. God breaks us, not to train us, but to lavish his goodness and his love upon us.

God is so good.

Recovery

I've walked through the valley of darkness
Sorrow and Suffering seemed my only friends
They led me to light
They showed me the beauty
The valley of darkness became something new:
It is the valley of healing
Sorrow and Suffering are not their real names:
Blessing and Gladness led me on my way
Now I breath like I've never done before.

How do you thank a God who does not let us stay where we are?
How do you thank a God who heals wounds you didn't know you had?
How do you thank a God who whispers your true name and draws you deeper?
How do you thank a God who continually rescues?

Thank you my God! Thank you!

Now I will sit back, no pressure, and enjoy recovering. I hope to spend the next month basking in gratitude and thanksgiving - or just sleeping a little more!

Sitting on the floor

I don't want to keep looking. So, like a small child throwing a bit of a tantrum, I sit on the floor, arms folded, legs crossed, and a bit of a pout on my face. I look at my Father and say, "I don't understand what you are saying! I don't know what to do. I want it and you aren't giving it to me, so I will sit here and wait til it come by!"
As frustrated as I am, there is this place within me that wants to be obedient and to please my Father. Despite this, I don't know what to do. I look at what is ahead, what is around me and I am tired of the waiting, the looking, the disappointment, the confusion.

I wonder what my Father thinks and says. I wonder when he will answer and I will hear correctly.

A Picture of Worship

Once upon a time there was a land with no color and no music. Birds didn't sing, crickets didn't chirp. The gray grass flowed into the gray sky. Trees were gray with gray leaves. Everything was black and white and shades of gray. In a world with no music and no color there is very little to smile or laugh about. The children seldom smiled and never laughed.

One day the children were in the school yard. They tossed gray rocks at the gray leaves, watching them fall to the ground. They drew circles in the dirt with sticks and walk around, slowly - melancholy. As the children played in the yard, they heard the strangest sound. It began high and then, smooth as glass, descended. The sound moved around seamlessly. Everyone was silent and stopped what they were doing to listen. The sound grew closer as it dipped and leaped and swirled around. The sound was wonderful and strange.

The children looked and saw a stranger approaching the school yard. He stood out of the gray landscape because he was wrapped in hues that were not gray. His presence made everyone stop and stare. The sound continued to flow from the brilliant man. He walked into the school yard and stood among the children.

The children listened to the man's voice. It did things they had never heard. "What is that sound?" the children asked.

The man answered, "This sound is singing." He then sang more. The children listened with delight as his voice rang in their ears, filling their hearts with warmth and joy.

One child said, "I wish I could sing."

The man laughed. His eyes twinkled and his laughter seemed to make the entire world leap. "You can sing," the man said.

"How?" cried the children.

"I will teach you," said the man.

"Who taught you to sing?" the children asked.

Again the man laughed. His laughter infected the children and they began to laugh too. They were delighted in this new experience, because they had never laughed before. "I sang before the world was created," he said. The children were confused because this man did not look old - he didn't even have a beard. His eyes sparkled a whimsical spark as if he knew a great secret and was going to tell them.

The man opened his mouth and sang a song that took the breath from the children. Then he taught them to sing the song. The children sang and sang, erupting into harmonies that wove together in a vibrant tapestry. As they sang their legs began to move and they started to dance. The children danced and danced, stepping here and there, singing, laughing, and dancing.

With every step of delight that the children took, the world beneath their feet changed. It started to look like the man. The gray grass became a hue that the children learned was green. The sky turned blue. The trees became brown with leaves of orange, red, and yellow. The sun shone a brilliant yellow-orange glow. Flowers became purple, pink, red, and blue. The children danced and danced filling the world with music and color.

Railing against lies

Have you ever read something well known and seen it as if for the first time? Have you ever read the Bible like a script- outloud - playing with emotion and hearing how the characters would have delivered each word?

I am reading through Job. I have wanted to for a while - having read it many times before. Job is full of incredibly rich poetry and I think it is sometimes misunderstood. Job is one of those books that is often looked at for the plot instead of for the themes. The bulk of the book does not take place between God and Satan (they set the stage). The majority of the book is between Job and his friends and is this crazy argument that they are having.

So, here's the breakdown: Job is in terrible suffering (God who is all powerful allows this), his friends come to grieve with him. For an entire week they sit in silence. Then they want to make things better, so they try to comfort him. They keep comforting him in the same way: just confess the terrible sin in your life and God will restore you.

This infuriates Job because there is no hidden sin in his life.

His friends have trouble with a few things that Job says (they get angry as does Job. I think there was a ton of heated yelling). They do not seem to be able to deal with the reality that God is in control and still evil men prevail and good men suffer. Job doesn't have trouble with this. He wants God to show up, give him his day in court, and prove that he should not be despised because of sin.

There is a fundamental reality that Job got that we often do not want to accept: sorrow and suffering are not evil, but are often a very real part of the lives of righteous people. I do not mean "persecution" either.

Job's friend say, "Can a man be of use to God, a wise man benefit him? Does Shaddai gain if you are righteous? Does He profit your conduct is blameless?" You can almost hear the ".... just confess Job, you did something really bad!" Interestingly I think that the answer to the questions is "YEs." A man can be of use to God because God wants us.

Ahhhh.. brain too full, theoloy too rich and deep.

Job 1:6 says, "If I speak, my pain will not be relieved, if I do not - what have I lost?" Amazing!!! Sometimes we are afraid to bring our anger about injustices to God. It's like we are not allowed to be angry ever and definately not toward God. Job's point is this: "What does it matter if I talk or not. It can't get worse - I already wish I was dead. And, if I do talk it isn't going to change the state of things, so I might as well say what I want to say." God can handle it so I will bring my case. Through all this, Job remains confident that only God can bring justice. God brings justice!!

Another sripture that hit me falling piano: Job 19:10, "He tears down every part of me; I perish; He uproots my hope like a tree." Job speaks these words. For some reason this scripture feels very comforting to me and I almost want to claim it as my own story (sounds a little sick - I know). Let me try and unpack this a little bit...
For the last five years God has been putting to death so many things that I clung to in my life. I do not think that they were ever made into gods or worshiped, but they have kept me from being whole and healed. I've watched friendships shrivel and blow away, hopes and dreams, ministry opportunities, my theater group and much more.
I want to start (and have sort-of already started) a production company called Uprooted Productions. I do not want to be rooted in the earth, but I want to be rooted in Jesus - upwardly. "No longer wrenched from the earth am I, Now I'm rooted in the sky."
I see this scripture as a word play. God tears down every part of me - I die with Christ. He uproots my hope - pulling it out of so many unsubstancial and temporal things, and roots me upward in Him. Even as Job railed against God that this was all His doing, he kept the hope that God could vindicate his circumstances.

I can yell my anger to God because He is the only hope I ever have for healing, wholeness, and vindication. HE is terrifying, powerful, in control, and meets me in my pain to redeem me. For some reason God makes use of men.

Light

She had been wrapped in the dark cocoon for as long as she could remember. It seemed warm, safe, secure. She did not know anything different until it began to tear. Light poured in through the slit in the side of the cocoon. She was both blinded and in awe that such a wonderful thing existed. Freedom began to become a possibility. She pushed her hands through the slit and into the light and began the difficult and painful process of emerging. There was no question that the strength required to come out of this cocoon would be developed as she pushed her way out.

Light filled her life and she began to see.

Putting the Pieces together and Pursuing

Ever feel like God is putting together the picture of your life, but he just hands you one piece at a time, and you try putting the pieces together to see what the picture will be, but there just isn't enough info.

I want to walk forward. But I don't know where to step. So many things to consider:
* Mom put in her resignation and it looks like she, Dad and Sena will be moving to Africa
semi-permenantly.
* Joyful Sounds may be offering me my mother's part of the business, that would mean
taking on her business debt, but it also means having a say.
* I feel called to the Church - to the body of Christ! I feel called to encourage and equip
Christians to be world changers and to build the Kingdom of God. I want to be a person who helps connect needs to resources.
* I am a story teller, I want to be somewhere where I can learn, get new stories, and tell
stories of Beauty, Truth, and Grace.
* I want to live my life with wreckless abandon for God, and I want to get out of debt. Oh
Hosea, you have cost me so much!!

Here are the options that I see:

1. Continue doing what I am doing with a twist: live in my parents house, work at Joyful Sounds (maybe as an owner), do online grad school, and find a church.

2. Go to grad school: looking at Anderson for Mof Theo. I could teach music or try to find a Nanny job.

3. Switch career paths: get a job as a youth minister, children's minister, music minister, or Nanny and earn enough to get out of debt and save for Grad school.

4. Take a giant risk: Go on a DTS with YWam and then be able to go to the university of the nations and get connected. Or advance in some way that I don't see.

I need to go away with my Lover. Jesus and I need a get away. This weekend is ROCK. Maybe during the free time and stuff we can chill together. I've been angry at him lately and I need to hear him again.

A paradigm shift

So much has been going on in my brain. It's been nice to be back to work and have my structure. A balance of structure and spontaneity help open doors for healthy thought and creativity.

I've been thinking about the church - Christ's bride. I spent several years griping and recently became convicted that unless I am working toward a solution then I am a part of the problem.

I've been a part of the problem.

Fundamentally there is a problem with the way "church" is done. I have a friend who is a part of the ministry staff of a church and the staff was discussing their expectations of the congregants. The said that they expect people to attend Sunday service and tithe. What!?! I realize that this is probably the expectation that most ministers have and that this is where they set the bar in an effort to be realists and also to prevent them from being disappointed.

I think of the way educators are always saying that the lower we make the standards, the lower the performance. When you raise your standards then people do more to meet them.

Jesus expected the church to be a world changing force. He expected his followers to be one. He expected us to follow his example, to love, to sacrifice, to heal, to drive out demons, to help build the Kingdom of God - NOW. He didn't expect us to go to church, pray before meals, give some of our money, and sit around waiting for him to come back. We are his body. We are his hands. We are the hands and body of a carpenter fix-it man who began building the ultimate house.

If I don't think that people are going to do much then I don't invest much into them. If I looked at my congregation and saw a sea of world changers, a crew of capable carpenters who are ready to build a mansion, then I would have to focus my energy on empowering them to become what they were made to become. If I knew that I was in the middle of a great war and that the western church in a sleeping giant who could take out some of the enemy's strongholds, then I would be a fool to not try everything within my power to wake up the giant.

What if we didn't feel guilty about all we have been blessed with, but saw it as our superpower that we are to use to help the world? What if all my talents, time, money, resources, friendships, etc were actually entrusted to me so that I might be a world changer? What if it is only through using these resources that we are fulfilled and that by using them we are connected with the only ones who have the power to heal our wounds? What if the healing of the west can only be found in connecting, giving, and receiving from our brothers and sisters throughout the world?

Throughout church history, major paradigm shifts occurred when the masses were empowered to be ministers and priests. Jesus empowered the people. The protestant reformation empowered the people. Maybe it is time for all of us who sit on pews to stand up, put on the mantle of a priest, and push into God with reckless abandon so that he might use us to change the world. As we put on Christ and call others to do the same, the paradigm may shift and the world will never be the same.

A time is coming and has now come.... For such a time as this