Sitting on the floor

I don't want to keep looking. So, like a small child throwing a bit of a tantrum, I sit on the floor, arms folded, legs crossed, and a bit of a pout on my face. I look at my Father and say, "I don't understand what you are saying! I don't know what to do. I want it and you aren't giving it to me, so I will sit here and wait til it come by!"
As frustrated as I am, there is this place within me that wants to be obedient and to please my Father. Despite this, I don't know what to do. I look at what is ahead, what is around me and I am tired of the waiting, the looking, the disappointment, the confusion.

I wonder what my Father thinks and says. I wonder when he will answer and I will hear correctly.

A Picture of Worship

Once upon a time there was a land with no color and no music. Birds didn't sing, crickets didn't chirp. The gray grass flowed into the gray sky. Trees were gray with gray leaves. Everything was black and white and shades of gray. In a world with no music and no color there is very little to smile or laugh about. The children seldom smiled and never laughed.

One day the children were in the school yard. They tossed gray rocks at the gray leaves, watching them fall to the ground. They drew circles in the dirt with sticks and walk around, slowly - melancholy. As the children played in the yard, they heard the strangest sound. It began high and then, smooth as glass, descended. The sound moved around seamlessly. Everyone was silent and stopped what they were doing to listen. The sound grew closer as it dipped and leaped and swirled around. The sound was wonderful and strange.

The children looked and saw a stranger approaching the school yard. He stood out of the gray landscape because he was wrapped in hues that were not gray. His presence made everyone stop and stare. The sound continued to flow from the brilliant man. He walked into the school yard and stood among the children.

The children listened to the man's voice. It did things they had never heard. "What is that sound?" the children asked.

The man answered, "This sound is singing." He then sang more. The children listened with delight as his voice rang in their ears, filling their hearts with warmth and joy.

One child said, "I wish I could sing."

The man laughed. His eyes twinkled and his laughter seemed to make the entire world leap. "You can sing," the man said.

"How?" cried the children.

"I will teach you," said the man.

"Who taught you to sing?" the children asked.

Again the man laughed. His laughter infected the children and they began to laugh too. They were delighted in this new experience, because they had never laughed before. "I sang before the world was created," he said. The children were confused because this man did not look old - he didn't even have a beard. His eyes sparkled a whimsical spark as if he knew a great secret and was going to tell them.

The man opened his mouth and sang a song that took the breath from the children. Then he taught them to sing the song. The children sang and sang, erupting into harmonies that wove together in a vibrant tapestry. As they sang their legs began to move and they started to dance. The children danced and danced, stepping here and there, singing, laughing, and dancing.

With every step of delight that the children took, the world beneath their feet changed. It started to look like the man. The gray grass became a hue that the children learned was green. The sky turned blue. The trees became brown with leaves of orange, red, and yellow. The sun shone a brilliant yellow-orange glow. Flowers became purple, pink, red, and blue. The children danced and danced filling the world with music and color.

Railing against lies

Have you ever read something well known and seen it as if for the first time? Have you ever read the Bible like a script- outloud - playing with emotion and hearing how the characters would have delivered each word?

I am reading through Job. I have wanted to for a while - having read it many times before. Job is full of incredibly rich poetry and I think it is sometimes misunderstood. Job is one of those books that is often looked at for the plot instead of for the themes. The bulk of the book does not take place between God and Satan (they set the stage). The majority of the book is between Job and his friends and is this crazy argument that they are having.

So, here's the breakdown: Job is in terrible suffering (God who is all powerful allows this), his friends come to grieve with him. For an entire week they sit in silence. Then they want to make things better, so they try to comfort him. They keep comforting him in the same way: just confess the terrible sin in your life and God will restore you.

This infuriates Job because there is no hidden sin in his life.

His friends have trouble with a few things that Job says (they get angry as does Job. I think there was a ton of heated yelling). They do not seem to be able to deal with the reality that God is in control and still evil men prevail and good men suffer. Job doesn't have trouble with this. He wants God to show up, give him his day in court, and prove that he should not be despised because of sin.

There is a fundamental reality that Job got that we often do not want to accept: sorrow and suffering are not evil, but are often a very real part of the lives of righteous people. I do not mean "persecution" either.

Job's friend say, "Can a man be of use to God, a wise man benefit him? Does Shaddai gain if you are righteous? Does He profit your conduct is blameless?" You can almost hear the ".... just confess Job, you did something really bad!" Interestingly I think that the answer to the questions is "YEs." A man can be of use to God because God wants us.

Ahhhh.. brain too full, theoloy too rich and deep.

Job 1:6 says, "If I speak, my pain will not be relieved, if I do not - what have I lost?" Amazing!!! Sometimes we are afraid to bring our anger about injustices to God. It's like we are not allowed to be angry ever and definately not toward God. Job's point is this: "What does it matter if I talk or not. It can't get worse - I already wish I was dead. And, if I do talk it isn't going to change the state of things, so I might as well say what I want to say." God can handle it so I will bring my case. Through all this, Job remains confident that only God can bring justice. God brings justice!!

Another sripture that hit me falling piano: Job 19:10, "He tears down every part of me; I perish; He uproots my hope like a tree." Job speaks these words. For some reason this scripture feels very comforting to me and I almost want to claim it as my own story (sounds a little sick - I know). Let me try and unpack this a little bit...
For the last five years God has been putting to death so many things that I clung to in my life. I do not think that they were ever made into gods or worshiped, but they have kept me from being whole and healed. I've watched friendships shrivel and blow away, hopes and dreams, ministry opportunities, my theater group and much more.
I want to start (and have sort-of already started) a production company called Uprooted Productions. I do not want to be rooted in the earth, but I want to be rooted in Jesus - upwardly. "No longer wrenched from the earth am I, Now I'm rooted in the sky."
I see this scripture as a word play. God tears down every part of me - I die with Christ. He uproots my hope - pulling it out of so many unsubstancial and temporal things, and roots me upward in Him. Even as Job railed against God that this was all His doing, he kept the hope that God could vindicate his circumstances.

I can yell my anger to God because He is the only hope I ever have for healing, wholeness, and vindication. HE is terrifying, powerful, in control, and meets me in my pain to redeem me. For some reason God makes use of men.