The Walls of Our Hearts

I've been thinking a lot about the question that Dan asked after the performance of Hosea.... How do we allow our hearts to trust, to love, to move beyond woundings, when they have been very badly hurt. How do we live in obedience, when our hearts are so broken?

Can God fix our hearts? Can he heal?

My answer to these last questions is a resounding, "Yes." Let me tell you a little about my own heart:
First of all, it is important to understand that there is an enemy of our souls - that our enemy tries to destroy us in the very places that God has created us to be strong. He often starts when we are young. God created me as an outgoing person who loves other people. In fact, I need other people to have energy, to process my thoughts, to inspire creativity.

If our enemy can take us out where we are created to be strong then he has won a great victory over our hearts. If you look at the greatest areas of wounding in your heart you will most likely see the places that you are meant to have the greatest strength. I can let my enemy take what he is trying to destroy, or seeing his tactic, I can affirm what is true and take away some of the enemy's power.

Just before 3rd grade we moved to Maryland from New Jersey. It was fine - I made friends, but I missed my old friends. When I started middle school I was best friends with Paige. We had gone to the same elementary school and had been friends since 3rd grade. We rode the bus together, sat next to each other in every class, and talked about everything.

Christmas break that year ended on a Wednedsay. We went to school Thursday and Friday. Then Monday came and Paige was mad at me on the bus. I didn't know why.

In our fourth period class we were doing projects. Paige sat next to me and started telling me that she hated me. My best friend spent the rest of the day whispering how much she hated me into my ear. I cried through the rest of school, but tried to hide it from everyone. When I got off the bus I threw my flute across the yard, plopped down in the grass and bawled. It was awful and the worst thing was that I couldn't figure out what I had done wrong.

I got over Paige and found three new friends. After several months of friendship they decided to start sending me hate letters. Every day I received letters from them. Eventually they even sent me a tape (audio, we didn't have CDs back then), that had a song that told me how much they hated me and that I should kill myself. This went on for a few weeks. My dad told me not to read the letter (I had read at least a week's worth) and then gave them to the school's administration. The girls got in trouble.

When so many people decide to hate you in a small amount of time it's easy to believe that the problem is some unalterable character flaw.

In high school, my senior year, I had my two best friends (both Christians) start treating me like dirt, blowing me off, and being really mean. It affected me so much that my lacrosse coach was concerned about my health (she didn't know what was going on) and suggested I go to the doctor.

College was better, but I ended up living with a girl who would randomly stop talking to me for weeks at a time, and treated me badly a lot.

There are more instances of friendship heartbreak. Then there are the romantic heart breaks, like the fact that I would fall in love with people and they would get married to someone else within two years (that happened about 8 times). Or not getting my first kiss until I was 23 (I'm smiling as I write this... I don't feel bad for myself at all).

Why do I write my sad story? Because it isn't sad to me anymore. A few years ago I lived alone and spent the better part of 5 days interacting with no one. I could go a few weeks without even getting a hug. I struggled with depression.

My heart was deeply wounded and I was afraid to trust people. But, God has been working on my heart. He is teaching me to trust my heart into his care.

Imagine that your heart is a garden. It is tended by the Gardener. Some gardens have walls to keep people out, but the Gardener says to me, "take down the walls of your garden so that there is no pretense, no hiding."
My response is, "But people will come in and trample the plants and dig up trees and destroy my garden."

The Gardener smiles at me and says, "I tend your garden. I will fix the torn up places, I will restore the broken stems. I am good and you can trust that I know how to tend this garden so that it will be lush and beautiful and the fragrance will change the world."

Now I have to decide whether or not I will trust the Gardener. Then I have to walk in trust even when I am afraid. I have to go out and meet people even though I keep in the back of my mind the thought that they will leave me or hurt me. I walk in faith - believing even though there is no evidence.

As I walk in obedience I find that the Gardener is trustworthy. I stop fearing so much. My garden becomes more and more beautiful and the fragrance pours out. Maybe that fragrance will change the world.