Mary

It has been three month and still no sign of anything. I have to admit that I feel a little, well, crazy. It's not that I don't believe, but my belief - it was once such strong confidence that I thought nothing could shake it - is mixed with overwhelming doubt.

There are some things that I do not doubt. I don't doubt that God is good. That he cares for me. That he cares for his people. That the messiah is coming. But, this seems so insane. There is no evidence that I saw an angel or heard the word of the Lord. There is no evidence that a child is within my womb.

Sometimes I am sure of this thing, more sure than I am of air and light. I become so consumed with certainty that I do not understand this other person who seems to rear her head - the doubter. Today I cannot find the certainty. Today I am plagued with doubt.

I doubt whether or not I have heard correctly. I doubt whether or not I am crazy. I feel very presumptious. Why would God choose me? Why do I think myself so special?

There are these cycles of thought that swirl around my head like vultures getting ready to attack. They accuse me. They bombard me with doubt.

For three months I have waited for evidence. My body is the same. Still I believe, though I doubt, still I believe.