More on healing

Ughhh! I've spent all day working on my sermon and I have nothing to show for it. I hate it when prep goes like this. I feel like the more I preach the worse I get, or at least the more uninspired and tedious preparation goes. It is less about a mighty move of the spirit and more about discipline... which is also a spiritual thing.

I want to separate the message into two parts: part one will be called "Uprooting" and part two will be "Planting, growing, and sharing the fruit,". The idea is that our hearts are like gardens (wow, an ongoing theme in my life). Anything growing in the garden of our heart was planted there at some point, whether blown in on the wind or planted by our hand. We can tell weeds because they don't look like something that we want growing in our hearts.

Some plants have insidious roots that wrap around our hearts and squeeze them almost to death.

This is the main part about healing. But healing is also about replacing what is taken out with something else... which leads to the second section...

You know a tree by it's fruit and a garden can't just be weeded. Beauty must be cultivated. We have to plant heavenly kingdom plants and weed and prune.

So there is the idea in a nutshell... now to the writing and service planning, though service planning first.

Unburdening

Wow, I don't blog very often. Ashley told me that I need to. So, here goes. Assuming that no one is reading this I will actually try to blog for myself.

Several months ago I felt that if I get the opportunity to choose a sermon topic I should speak about healing.... Not physical healing but emotional healing... becoming whole. So I am preaching on that next week. As I am preparing I am finding that people are revealing their wounds to me in greater quantities than normal.

Giving the burdens to Christ

Part of my job, a part which I am not qualified for (like many aspects of my job), is to serve as a councilor to people. Parents sit in my office and talk to me about difficulties with their children. Wives talk about struggles with their husbands. Teenagers tell me about their relationships, struggles, and pain.

People are so broken.

What would it be like if we understood ourselves in the light of the reality of God's love for us? What if we understood the purpose of morality? Would we walk in greater freedom?

Would the young woman understand that the abuse she suffered and the rejection isn't going to happen for the rest of her life and would she rest in the confidence that her boyfriend really cares for her? Would she give up the jealousy and rage that has consumed her heart for so long?

Would my friend stop engaging in sexual relationships in order to have a beautiful healthy whole and healing relationship with someone who commits to her?

Would the teenager realize that her behavior has consequences and that she can live in a different way... that life can be good... that people will love her and care for her?

Would the young man's pain from an old custody battle be healed so that he could walk forward and comfort his friend who is being wounded by the custody battle looming over his head?

I so desperately want people to see God's love... I want them to know Him, to be transformed into him image. I want them to be changed, healed. To have joy and excitement at loving and serving God and those around them.

God has done so much healing in me.

Community

I just read through some old entries - over a year ago when I last posted. In the previous entry I talked about learning the importance of relying on community. I even mentioned a future post, so here is the future post.

Why is it difficult for us humans to make our limitations known? Why is it difficult for us to ask for help except when situations are dire?

Lately, situations are dire. My husband is facing major surgery and immobility. What his hip doesn't prevent him from doing his medicine does. He is as sweet and helpful as he can be - but with limited mobility and chronic pain comes limited ability.

There is too much for me to do - my job can be overwhelming all by itself. Creating space and time for rest and peace and living is hard. Add an impending move (just down the stairs but a move none the less), deciding where to get major surgery, how to pay for it, whether or not you can take the time off work to be with husband during said surgery, and how to move forward.

I cannot do this on my own.

Enter community...

I have been overwhelmed by the generosity and kindness of the people in my congregation. Tremendous offers of love and support. My youth group volunteered to help us move. Friends have said, "I will not say 'call if you need anything' instead I will ask, 'What can I do?'" I have prayer warriors battling for my husband and I. I have people offering time and energy to help in any way. I have family doing research and supporting me.

I am not alone. I am in community.

So they learn my limitations. So they see me cry at church. So they hear me wrestle with faith and God and joy and peace. So they learn my weaknesses.

I believe Christ said that the truth will set us free. True community demands that the truth about who we are comes to the surface and the result...

we are set free!

Finding Freedom

A friend had the following lyrics playing in his head... it made me think:

I left home when I was seventeen
I just grew tired of falling down
And I'm sure I was told
The allure of the road
Would be all I found

And all the answers that I started with
Turned out questions in the end
So years roll on by
And just like the sky
The road never ends

(Chorus:)
And the people who love me still ask me
When are you coming back to town
And I answer quite frankly
When they stop building roads
And all God needs is gravity to hold me down

(Chorus:)
And the people who love me still ask me
When are you coming back to town
And I answer quite frankly
When they stop building roads
And there ain't no more highways to be found
And I answer quite frankly
When they stop building roads
And all God needs is gravity to hold me down

What if gravity was the only thing that held us down? What if...

In this station in life (with the transitions and the stress and the newness), I feel that God is trying to teach me three major things:
1. To live in community and rely on others (a future blog maybe)
2. To walk in freedom - to be myself both the strengths and the weaknesses
3. To take responsibility for my mess

This week at youth group we will be talking about integrity (our character unit). Integrity is defined as:
1 the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; moral uprightness
2 the state of being whole and undivided
3 the condition of being unified, unimpaired, or sound in construction

We often focus on the first definition, but neglect the second and third. Integrity/honesty/truth has to do with being whole and undivided, being unified and unimpaired (free?).

We live in a society of lies and though we know that we shouldn't tell lies to other people, we consistently construct worlds of lies in which we live. We choose darkness, self-abasement, and division instead of choosing freedom.

Last night we met with a group that had gone to the Leadership Summit. We've been talking about balance and, last month, shared ways that we needed to pursue balance. One woman talked about how much she works. From our last conversation, she felt freed to leave work at home. She is happier, smiling. and full of joy because she is free. She can be defined by who she is and not what she does. On the flip side, my boss (a pastor) has felt bound by traditional definitions of Sabbath. He has decided to free himself to "grab sabbath" whenever he can instead of being bound in a day of the week. He is more freed.

Jesus said that his burden is easy and his yolk is light. Jesus is interested in giving us freedom.... in fact freewill is so important to God that he built it into us. Freewill isn't a bad thing... it is a very good thing. I can be free.

Increasingly I want to become a person who walks in the confidence and honesty of who God has made me - aware of my gifts, my strengths, my weaknesses, etc. As I am confident that God made me the way he meant to make me, I can be less of an issue and I can walk forward - boldly. I can walk away from all the things that hold me down.

Maybe God sent me to the middle of the country, away from my family and all the things that defined me for so long, so that he could define me and I could stretch out in freedom. The heartland is the land of freedom and space.

I want to own the truth of who I am in God, in community/family, and in myself. I want to ride on the coattails of the Giant, but I can't get off the ground if I let so many things hold me down.

Being Destroyed

Ministry is destroying me in all the best ways.

Today I sat and talked to a lady who is in her 60s and has had major tragedies in her life. She is one of the individuals who does the technology stuff for the Saturday evening service. We just switched programs and she has dedicated herself to learning the program thoroughly.

Anyway, she asked me to come look at what she was doing, so I came down and we started talking. She told me about her husband's death, and the ways it has made her struggle with her faith. She shared about her son who has walked away from God, about the way her sister got her written out of her parents' will, her experience working with youth in the schools.

I was amazed by her story. What if those of us in the church knew each other's stories? How much richer this world would be!

I may have found the job that I was made for.

Romance, the Gospel, and the state of the world

I've been talking a lot to my beautiful friend who has a passion to reach out to muslims with the gospel. We've been talking about calling, love, and romance (because mutual attraction has developed and we had to decide whether or not we should try dating). This is some of my reflection on the reality of romance, the gospel, and the state of the world.

Romance is one of the deepest realities of the universe, and possibly one that angels do not understand. God is Love. God is a lover. God is the Lover. Our human romances are just tiny glimpses into the romancing love of God.

Lovers spend gobs of time just being together. The desire to be together trumps common sense, practicallity, sleep needs, food needs, bladder-emptying needs. People in love go to crazy lengths for even a moment together.

Lovers seek to please the other. They want to make the other feel comforted and comfortable. They give gifts that bless the other. They cook the other's favorite food.

One of the problems with many groups (I'm thinking particularly of any peoples that make women subserviant and less than human), is that there is no opportunity for romance, love is distorted and one of the deepest realities about the character and nature of God is stripped away leaving something base and foul. Societies that rape, murder, torture, and subjegate their women are societies full of the stench of death and the darkness of Satan.

The Lover makes the most beautiful bride. He goes to great lengths to win her. Then he makes her more beautiful. He invites, He is mysterious, He is a great pursuer, He is tender, He is at times harsh, He has a dialogue with humanity.

Yesterday I was trying to figure out what the deepest desire of my heart is. I wondered about serving God, pleasing God, knowing God. But, it was something even deeper than those. The deepest desire is to be loved by God.

We do not need to be in human romance to know Romance. I can be so romanced by Christ that I know no one else can measure up. Human romance helps paint the picture for us. God sometimes invites us to know romance on the human plain.

Even in our culture romance has been made into something self-gratifying and selfish. There is a focus on sex and emotions when romance is something so much deeper than those things (though it does include sex and emotions).

The Bible is this amazing story of God's pursuit of humanity - picture of the great Romance. It is a wholistic picture. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. I have the affection of the Great Lover, the Great Romancer.

It is my prayer that I know His love more and more and that as I pursue earthly romance, I would come to know Christ's love and share Christ's love even more.

May you know the Great Pursuer and be romanced today!

Isaiah

Current life events have me thinking (of course I seem to think even when life isn't doing anything particularly interesting).

I was just reading Isaiah 5 which says:

The Song of the Vineyard

1 I will sing for the one I love
a song about his vineyard:
My loved one had a vineyard
on a fertile hillside.

2 He dug it up and cleared it of stones
and planted it with the choicest vines.
He built a watchtower in it
and cut out a winepress as well.
Then he looked for a crop of good grapes,
but it yielded only bad fruit.

3 "Now you dwellers in Jerusalem and men of Judah,
judge between me and my vineyard.

4 What more could have been done for my vineyard
than I have done for it?
When I looked for good grapes,
why did it yield only bad?

5 Now I will tell you
what I am going to do to my vineyard:
I will take away its hedge,
and it will be destroyed;
I will break down its wall,
and it will be trampled.

6 I will make it a wasteland,
neither pruned nor cultivated,
and briers and thorns will grow there.
I will command the clouds
not to rain on it."

Then in Isaiah 14 it says:
3 On the day the LORD gives you relief from suffering and turmoil and cruel bondage, 4 you will take up this taunt against the king of Babylon:
How the oppressor has come to an end!
How his fury ^[a] has ended!

5 The LORD has broken the rod of the wicked,
the scepter of the rulers,

6 which in anger struck down peoples
with unceasing blows,
and in fury subdued nations
with relentless aggression.

7 All the lands are at rest and at peace;
they break into singing.

Here's what struck me. God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He does not change. He is Love. The way that Love behaves is to tear down those things that hinder us from bearing fruit, from being good and beautiful. He destroys so that he can replant - so that the vineyard will make much good wine. He does this with individuals, nations, tribes, and the history of the world. You "break" a horse when you train it. God breaks us, not to train us, but to lavish his goodness and his love upon us.

God is so good.

Recovery

I've walked through the valley of darkness
Sorrow and Suffering seemed my only friends
They led me to light
They showed me the beauty
The valley of darkness became something new:
It is the valley of healing
Sorrow and Suffering are not their real names:
Blessing and Gladness led me on my way
Now I breath like I've never done before.

How do you thank a God who does not let us stay where we are?
How do you thank a God who heals wounds you didn't know you had?
How do you thank a God who whispers your true name and draws you deeper?
How do you thank a God who continually rescues?

Thank you my God! Thank you!

Now I will sit back, no pressure, and enjoy recovering. I hope to spend the next month basking in gratitude and thanksgiving - or just sleeping a little more!

Sitting on the floor

I don't want to keep looking. So, like a small child throwing a bit of a tantrum, I sit on the floor, arms folded, legs crossed, and a bit of a pout on my face. I look at my Father and say, "I don't understand what you are saying! I don't know what to do. I want it and you aren't giving it to me, so I will sit here and wait til it come by!"
As frustrated as I am, there is this place within me that wants to be obedient and to please my Father. Despite this, I don't know what to do. I look at what is ahead, what is around me and I am tired of the waiting, the looking, the disappointment, the confusion.

I wonder what my Father thinks and says. I wonder when he will answer and I will hear correctly.

A Picture of Worship

Once upon a time there was a land with no color and no music. Birds didn't sing, crickets didn't chirp. The gray grass flowed into the gray sky. Trees were gray with gray leaves. Everything was black and white and shades of gray. In a world with no music and no color there is very little to smile or laugh about. The children seldom smiled and never laughed.

One day the children were in the school yard. They tossed gray rocks at the gray leaves, watching them fall to the ground. They drew circles in the dirt with sticks and walk around, slowly - melancholy. As the children played in the yard, they heard the strangest sound. It began high and then, smooth as glass, descended. The sound moved around seamlessly. Everyone was silent and stopped what they were doing to listen. The sound grew closer as it dipped and leaped and swirled around. The sound was wonderful and strange.

The children looked and saw a stranger approaching the school yard. He stood out of the gray landscape because he was wrapped in hues that were not gray. His presence made everyone stop and stare. The sound continued to flow from the brilliant man. He walked into the school yard and stood among the children.

The children listened to the man's voice. It did things they had never heard. "What is that sound?" the children asked.

The man answered, "This sound is singing." He then sang more. The children listened with delight as his voice rang in their ears, filling their hearts with warmth and joy.

One child said, "I wish I could sing."

The man laughed. His eyes twinkled and his laughter seemed to make the entire world leap. "You can sing," the man said.

"How?" cried the children.

"I will teach you," said the man.

"Who taught you to sing?" the children asked.

Again the man laughed. His laughter infected the children and they began to laugh too. They were delighted in this new experience, because they had never laughed before. "I sang before the world was created," he said. The children were confused because this man did not look old - he didn't even have a beard. His eyes sparkled a whimsical spark as if he knew a great secret and was going to tell them.

The man opened his mouth and sang a song that took the breath from the children. Then he taught them to sing the song. The children sang and sang, erupting into harmonies that wove together in a vibrant tapestry. As they sang their legs began to move and they started to dance. The children danced and danced, stepping here and there, singing, laughing, and dancing.

With every step of delight that the children took, the world beneath their feet changed. It started to look like the man. The gray grass became a hue that the children learned was green. The sky turned blue. The trees became brown with leaves of orange, red, and yellow. The sun shone a brilliant yellow-orange glow. Flowers became purple, pink, red, and blue. The children danced and danced filling the world with music and color.

Railing against lies

Have you ever read something well known and seen it as if for the first time? Have you ever read the Bible like a script- outloud - playing with emotion and hearing how the characters would have delivered each word?

I am reading through Job. I have wanted to for a while - having read it many times before. Job is full of incredibly rich poetry and I think it is sometimes misunderstood. Job is one of those books that is often looked at for the plot instead of for the themes. The bulk of the book does not take place between God and Satan (they set the stage). The majority of the book is between Job and his friends and is this crazy argument that they are having.

So, here's the breakdown: Job is in terrible suffering (God who is all powerful allows this), his friends come to grieve with him. For an entire week they sit in silence. Then they want to make things better, so they try to comfort him. They keep comforting him in the same way: just confess the terrible sin in your life and God will restore you.

This infuriates Job because there is no hidden sin in his life.

His friends have trouble with a few things that Job says (they get angry as does Job. I think there was a ton of heated yelling). They do not seem to be able to deal with the reality that God is in control and still evil men prevail and good men suffer. Job doesn't have trouble with this. He wants God to show up, give him his day in court, and prove that he should not be despised because of sin.

There is a fundamental reality that Job got that we often do not want to accept: sorrow and suffering are not evil, but are often a very real part of the lives of righteous people. I do not mean "persecution" either.

Job's friend say, "Can a man be of use to God, a wise man benefit him? Does Shaddai gain if you are righteous? Does He profit your conduct is blameless?" You can almost hear the ".... just confess Job, you did something really bad!" Interestingly I think that the answer to the questions is "YEs." A man can be of use to God because God wants us.

Ahhhh.. brain too full, theoloy too rich and deep.

Job 1:6 says, "If I speak, my pain will not be relieved, if I do not - what have I lost?" Amazing!!! Sometimes we are afraid to bring our anger about injustices to God. It's like we are not allowed to be angry ever and definately not toward God. Job's point is this: "What does it matter if I talk or not. It can't get worse - I already wish I was dead. And, if I do talk it isn't going to change the state of things, so I might as well say what I want to say." God can handle it so I will bring my case. Through all this, Job remains confident that only God can bring justice. God brings justice!!

Another sripture that hit me falling piano: Job 19:10, "He tears down every part of me; I perish; He uproots my hope like a tree." Job speaks these words. For some reason this scripture feels very comforting to me and I almost want to claim it as my own story (sounds a little sick - I know). Let me try and unpack this a little bit...
For the last five years God has been putting to death so many things that I clung to in my life. I do not think that they were ever made into gods or worshiped, but they have kept me from being whole and healed. I've watched friendships shrivel and blow away, hopes and dreams, ministry opportunities, my theater group and much more.
I want to start (and have sort-of already started) a production company called Uprooted Productions. I do not want to be rooted in the earth, but I want to be rooted in Jesus - upwardly. "No longer wrenched from the earth am I, Now I'm rooted in the sky."
I see this scripture as a word play. God tears down every part of me - I die with Christ. He uproots my hope - pulling it out of so many unsubstancial and temporal things, and roots me upward in Him. Even as Job railed against God that this was all His doing, he kept the hope that God could vindicate his circumstances.

I can yell my anger to God because He is the only hope I ever have for healing, wholeness, and vindication. HE is terrifying, powerful, in control, and meets me in my pain to redeem me. For some reason God makes use of men.

Light

She had been wrapped in the dark cocoon for as long as she could remember. It seemed warm, safe, secure. She did not know anything different until it began to tear. Light poured in through the slit in the side of the cocoon. She was both blinded and in awe that such a wonderful thing existed. Freedom began to become a possibility. She pushed her hands through the slit and into the light and began the difficult and painful process of emerging. There was no question that the strength required to come out of this cocoon would be developed as she pushed her way out.

Light filled her life and she began to see.

Putting the Pieces together and Pursuing

Ever feel like God is putting together the picture of your life, but he just hands you one piece at a time, and you try putting the pieces together to see what the picture will be, but there just isn't enough info.

I want to walk forward. But I don't know where to step. So many things to consider:
* Mom put in her resignation and it looks like she, Dad and Sena will be moving to Africa
semi-permenantly.
* Joyful Sounds may be offering me my mother's part of the business, that would mean
taking on her business debt, but it also means having a say.
* I feel called to the Church - to the body of Christ! I feel called to encourage and equip
Christians to be world changers and to build the Kingdom of God. I want to be a person who helps connect needs to resources.
* I am a story teller, I want to be somewhere where I can learn, get new stories, and tell
stories of Beauty, Truth, and Grace.
* I want to live my life with wreckless abandon for God, and I want to get out of debt. Oh
Hosea, you have cost me so much!!

Here are the options that I see:

1. Continue doing what I am doing with a twist: live in my parents house, work at Joyful Sounds (maybe as an owner), do online grad school, and find a church.

2. Go to grad school: looking at Anderson for Mof Theo. I could teach music or try to find a Nanny job.

3. Switch career paths: get a job as a youth minister, children's minister, music minister, or Nanny and earn enough to get out of debt and save for Grad school.

4. Take a giant risk: Go on a DTS with YWam and then be able to go to the university of the nations and get connected. Or advance in some way that I don't see.

I need to go away with my Lover. Jesus and I need a get away. This weekend is ROCK. Maybe during the free time and stuff we can chill together. I've been angry at him lately and I need to hear him again.

A paradigm shift

So much has been going on in my brain. It's been nice to be back to work and have my structure. A balance of structure and spontaneity help open doors for healthy thought and creativity.

I've been thinking about the church - Christ's bride. I spent several years griping and recently became convicted that unless I am working toward a solution then I am a part of the problem.

I've been a part of the problem.

Fundamentally there is a problem with the way "church" is done. I have a friend who is a part of the ministry staff of a church and the staff was discussing their expectations of the congregants. The said that they expect people to attend Sunday service and tithe. What!?! I realize that this is probably the expectation that most ministers have and that this is where they set the bar in an effort to be realists and also to prevent them from being disappointed.

I think of the way educators are always saying that the lower we make the standards, the lower the performance. When you raise your standards then people do more to meet them.

Jesus expected the church to be a world changing force. He expected his followers to be one. He expected us to follow his example, to love, to sacrifice, to heal, to drive out demons, to help build the Kingdom of God - NOW. He didn't expect us to go to church, pray before meals, give some of our money, and sit around waiting for him to come back. We are his body. We are his hands. We are the hands and body of a carpenter fix-it man who began building the ultimate house.

If I don't think that people are going to do much then I don't invest much into them. If I looked at my congregation and saw a sea of world changers, a crew of capable carpenters who are ready to build a mansion, then I would have to focus my energy on empowering them to become what they were made to become. If I knew that I was in the middle of a great war and that the western church in a sleeping giant who could take out some of the enemy's strongholds, then I would be a fool to not try everything within my power to wake up the giant.

What if we didn't feel guilty about all we have been blessed with, but saw it as our superpower that we are to use to help the world? What if all my talents, time, money, resources, friendships, etc were actually entrusted to me so that I might be a world changer? What if it is only through using these resources that we are fulfilled and that by using them we are connected with the only ones who have the power to heal our wounds? What if the healing of the west can only be found in connecting, giving, and receiving from our brothers and sisters throughout the world?

Throughout church history, major paradigm shifts occurred when the masses were empowered to be ministers and priests. Jesus empowered the people. The protestant reformation empowered the people. Maybe it is time for all of us who sit on pews to stand up, put on the mantle of a priest, and push into God with reckless abandon so that he might use us to change the world. As we put on Christ and call others to do the same, the paradigm may shift and the world will never be the same.

A time is coming and has now come.... For such a time as this

My beautiful Kristina

I don't know many people who have had lives that are as tragic as my sister Kristina. Her story is amazing, but sad because she lost her family. Seven years ago Kristina came to the US thinking that she would return to her mother and siblings, but she ended up staying. She had surgery, that I believe was disappointing in that it didn't make her all better. Then she lived with some awful people and eventually came to live with us.

Kristina just planned a trip back to Ghana to see her family. She is leaving in about a month.

Today we got the news that her mother died. She hasn't seen her in seven years, and now she will not see her again.

All I can do is hold her and cry with her.

Mary

It has been three month and still no sign of anything. I have to admit that I feel a little, well, crazy. It's not that I don't believe, but my belief - it was once such strong confidence that I thought nothing could shake it - is mixed with overwhelming doubt.

There are some things that I do not doubt. I don't doubt that God is good. That he cares for me. That he cares for his people. That the messiah is coming. But, this seems so insane. There is no evidence that I saw an angel or heard the word of the Lord. There is no evidence that a child is within my womb.

Sometimes I am sure of this thing, more sure than I am of air and light. I become so consumed with certainty that I do not understand this other person who seems to rear her head - the doubter. Today I cannot find the certainty. Today I am plagued with doubt.

I doubt whether or not I have heard correctly. I doubt whether or not I am crazy. I feel very presumptious. Why would God choose me? Why do I think myself so special?

There are these cycles of thought that swirl around my head like vultures getting ready to attack. They accuse me. They bombard me with doubt.

For three months I have waited for evidence. My body is the same. Still I believe, though I doubt, still I believe.

Not so Patient... in the Waiting Place

There is this place in life where God sometimes brings us - The Waiting Place. Living in this place is like knowing that Christmas is coming, but you aren't sure when it is, and it may not come for a very long time. The Waiting Place is like sitting for a long day; you want to get up and run around, but you know you can't... yet.

I've thought I was in the Waiting Place in previous years, but I realize that I was just in that place where you are getting trained. Trained to wait. Trained to be still. Trained to be in quiet.

This is the place where you have no options but to "Be Still and know I AM is God." It is the place where the shadows of hopes and dreams have been driven out and even a moment of creativity comes as a fresh breeze. I want to start moving in a direction, but I can't. I want to get ready for the next thing, but I don't know what it is. I don't feel fear or foolishness or pride. I feel like God says to me, "Be Still." I ask, "How long?" I get no answer, just his smile and a sparkle in his eye. I remember him once saying, "You can't figure this out, Jess. I can sneak up behind you and surprise you." I await a surprise. I await an adventure. I await something amazing. I await my Jesus, and I know that I will not be disappointed.

The Beauty of Jesus

I went on a retreat this past weekend that was absolutely amazing. God had to do a lot to prepare my heart though. See, I've been living from my woundedness for several years. I could blame those that wounded me, but the truth is that I am responsible for the way I have reacted in my wounds. And I have covered myself in shame and allowed a spirit of accusation and judegement to rise up between me and others.

Then two remarkable things happened. The first was the beautiful heart of a friend that drew me out of hiding and the second was the safety and encouragement of the community of believers who led the retreat. The first had to be first or else I would not have risked with my heart for the second. And even when the beautiful heart of my friend withdrew from me, I felt confident and radiant because it is my Jesus that holds my heart.

Jesus has been teaching me about hope, expectation, and expectancy. Hope is not setting up specifics and assuming certain things will happen - that is expectation. Expectancy is waiting with anticipation for something remarkable to happen and knowing that it will be good and beautiful, though possibly different than you think. Hope is really all about trusting God and knowing that he is bigger than your inadequcies or mistakes.

So many of the women on the retreat live in shame (and many people everywhere). Like the woman at the well, we go out in isolation to draw water that will not satisfy, hoping that noone will ever bring out our shame. Then this one day Jesus meets us at the well of romance. He goes through the unexpected Samarias of our life and sits beside us. He asks us for a drink, but knows that there are things in our lives that prevent us from knowing Him and from knowing His love. So, he confronts those things head on; he brings up our shame so that there is no more shame. He uncovers it so that it can not control us. Then He sets us free. Our response is to go to the villages of our life and invite the people to come and meet this one "who told me everything I've ever done."

No more shame.
No more shame.

I do not need to be ashamed of who I am. Shame has prevented me from receiving the love of my Lover. Shame keeps us from our lovers. Unfortunately the process of having shame lifted is painful, especially when we cling tightly to our shame and allow it to grow into our skin. The process becomes a sort of surgery of the heart.

Over the last few weeks Jesus has shown me that the nature of love is like this: Love frees the loved one to walk away and to never come back; Love hates those things that prevent the loved ones heart from receiving love and will bang on the painful doors of shame in order to break down those walls; Love transforms us; love trusts that He who is Love really is in control and we do not need to be. Love makes us beautiful. Love makes us risk. Love hopes, Love fights, Love pursues, Love devastates.

Oh, to know Love more - to become like Him.... And so, I am devastated by my lover with no other options.

God has done a huge thing in my heart. I am amazed. And I believe He has been preparing me for something new and next, though I'm not sure what it is.

Here's to the adventure. May every day be spent with my marvelous Lover!

Realizations and a Change in mood

So, I realized a few things about myself over the last few days:
1. I do not do well without structure... it leads me to down-ness and potential depression. For the last three or so weeks I have not had to work. In fact, all summer has been inconsistent. The result is that I spend far too much time in my head, my thoughts begin racing and making me doubt my sanity. I need a balance of business and contemplation. Too much of either is bad.
2. I think I have come to a place where I need coffee daily. I've been finding that the racing thoughts are fairly debilitating, but once I have some coffee, they become manageable, I am able to focus and I feel better. I don't want to be addicted to caffeine, but of all the things to be addicted to, coffee is not so bad. Oh well, there are worse things than depending on coffee to function.
3. I've been spending far too much time thinking and talking about myself lately. I need to get back to focusing on the lover of my soul. I heard an amazing thing today - here is an approximation of it: "As we get to know Jesus, we come to know who we really are.... Dying to self means putting to death our understanding of ourselves and the expectations of who others think we are, and putting on our true self. As we allow Jesus to define us we become who we really are, he names us and our destiny is revealed."
4. I want to begin a sort of blog-bible study. I think once a week is reasonable. So, I guess we can start looking at the book of Matthew, which addresses the questions, "Who do you say Jesus is?" Let's get to know him better. Then we can be changed and made more like him. We can come to understand who we are as we know him more. Let's make first things first.

Shame

I've been thinking about shame... the way we wrap ourselves in it and hide. Shame becomes our garment. Like a bad friendship, we turn to shame instead of turning to love. We hide. We live in the darkness of Shame. Shame and Fear are bedfellows and so where Shame is, Fear is close beside.

I've been thinking about the scripture that says that perfect love drives out all fear. As we invite love into the broken and rotten places in our hearts, it's like when an exterminator comes into a house to drive out vermin. They all begin to come out into the light. We see how infested our house was. As love comes into my life, shame and fear are coming to the surface, but as they come into the light Love takes them out.

For those of you who don't know, I've recently (as of Friday) started dating. He is a tall, lean, attractive man with an amazing heart. He's smart and funny and makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. I really like him!

I realized, as we began this relationship, that I am far more wounded than I thought, that I had given up hope in so many ways. Now his presence in my life is bringing fear and shame to the surface. I am having to face that fear and shame, call it by name, and allow Love to drive it from my heart. It's a good thing. Very good.

Risk. Sometimes risk leads to deep pain. Sometimes love leads to deep pain. Sometimes deep pain leads to healing and wholeness and beauty beyond words.