The Beauty of Jesus

I went on a retreat this past weekend that was absolutely amazing. God had to do a lot to prepare my heart though. See, I've been living from my woundedness for several years. I could blame those that wounded me, but the truth is that I am responsible for the way I have reacted in my wounds. And I have covered myself in shame and allowed a spirit of accusation and judegement to rise up between me and others.

Then two remarkable things happened. The first was the beautiful heart of a friend that drew me out of hiding and the second was the safety and encouragement of the community of believers who led the retreat. The first had to be first or else I would not have risked with my heart for the second. And even when the beautiful heart of my friend withdrew from me, I felt confident and radiant because it is my Jesus that holds my heart.

Jesus has been teaching me about hope, expectation, and expectancy. Hope is not setting up specifics and assuming certain things will happen - that is expectation. Expectancy is waiting with anticipation for something remarkable to happen and knowing that it will be good and beautiful, though possibly different than you think. Hope is really all about trusting God and knowing that he is bigger than your inadequcies or mistakes.

So many of the women on the retreat live in shame (and many people everywhere). Like the woman at the well, we go out in isolation to draw water that will not satisfy, hoping that noone will ever bring out our shame. Then this one day Jesus meets us at the well of romance. He goes through the unexpected Samarias of our life and sits beside us. He asks us for a drink, but knows that there are things in our lives that prevent us from knowing Him and from knowing His love. So, he confronts those things head on; he brings up our shame so that there is no more shame. He uncovers it so that it can not control us. Then He sets us free. Our response is to go to the villages of our life and invite the people to come and meet this one "who told me everything I've ever done."

No more shame.
No more shame.

I do not need to be ashamed of who I am. Shame has prevented me from receiving the love of my Lover. Shame keeps us from our lovers. Unfortunately the process of having shame lifted is painful, especially when we cling tightly to our shame and allow it to grow into our skin. The process becomes a sort of surgery of the heart.

Over the last few weeks Jesus has shown me that the nature of love is like this: Love frees the loved one to walk away and to never come back; Love hates those things that prevent the loved ones heart from receiving love and will bang on the painful doors of shame in order to break down those walls; Love transforms us; love trusts that He who is Love really is in control and we do not need to be. Love makes us beautiful. Love makes us risk. Love hopes, Love fights, Love pursues, Love devastates.

Oh, to know Love more - to become like Him.... And so, I am devastated by my lover with no other options.

God has done a huge thing in my heart. I am amazed. And I believe He has been preparing me for something new and next, though I'm not sure what it is.

Here's to the adventure. May every day be spent with my marvelous Lover!